The Diagnosis.

It’s 3:26 am, and I can’t sleep because my body won’t let me. I realized that I’ve been avoiding all of the things that bring me joy, and writing is easily in the Top 3. In my last blog, I gave you the run-down of what my trip to D.C ended up being, and never actually gave the details of my doctor visits.

In short, those tumors have steadily grown over the past six months, and I have to get them removed. Many people have told me miracle stories of how they shrunk and disappeared because of faith, but I know my faith, and that just hasn’t been my story. They are still growing, and my doctor is ready to remove them. The one on my uterus, which was said to be 5.5 inches is now 6.25. The one on my cervix is still 3 inches, and the kidney tumor hasn’t grown much at all. I have nights like these when I feel like there’s a spear pushing down into my abdomen and I can’t get comfortable enough to sleep. I will soon get up from my desk, get dressed, and go to work, and I pray for the strength and ability to see past pain and be what my students deserve.

The thing that makes me most anxious about all of this is my doctor’s recommendation of a full hysterectomy. Again, people love to tell me their miracle stories, but my body and my God has yet to move in the way theirs has, so I’m trusting my process as is. A hysterectomy changes the plan I had for my future. It makes all of my friends’ pregnancies painful and beautiful all at once. I’m able to pray for them in ways I never thought I could or would. I’m able to appreciate the beauty of childbearing and childbirth while being an encouragement to them. Lots of my family members tell me not to get the surgery, but they don’t have to endure this pain. They don’t feel the tumor when they lie down to go to sleep. They don’t take 15-20 minutes to urinate because their bladder is constricted, and I’m tired of living life this way. I want to enjoy my body again. I want to work out. I want to jog with Aries. I want to live, and these ailments are making it impossible. No doctor has been able to guarantee that they won’t come back, so I’m no longer interested in living my life on the basis of possibility.

I want my freedom back.

Freedom to travel. Freedom to move. Freedom to exist in a way that I desire, not a way that my body allows.

All of this to say, it has been an exhaustive process. My brothers have seen me more broken in the past month than they have my entire life. My mama has had me curled up in her lap more than I think she did in my adolescence. I’m being humbled, and some days, I hate it. I have lost lots of friends, and many of them just don’t know what to do with this, but that’s okay because my love won’t waiver, and I’m thankful for my support system which continues to GROW.

I’m waiting for my insurance to approve the surgery, and upon approval, I will be back here- sharing my journey to recovery. Hopefully I will have more exciting and less medicinal news soon. In the meantime though, whatever it is that’s weighing you down, whatever is stealing your joy, tell it NO. Temporary brokenness cannot define your permanent joy. Refuse. Fight back. Submit it and leave it where it lies. You are not alone, at least you don’t have to be. I’d love more ham anything to walk alongside you. Thank you for walking alongside me. Thank you for hearing me. Thank you for reading.

I love you.

An Epiphany…

I don’t have very many people who stick around. I don’t mean people who know OF me, I mean people who know my heart and all of its hurt. People who know my mind and why it works the way it does. People who help me be a better me for the sake of my students and service to my community. I’m thankful for those people. They’re the ones who read what I’ve written because they know how insecure I am about my art & will give honest feedback. They’re the ones who make me feel like a friend when I’m troubled, not a burden. Those people are treasures, and I couldn’t imagine life without them. If you’ve ever tried getting close to me, you know that I preface the relationship with “I’m too much to handle” and I don’t say that because I’m dramatic, I say it because I’m broken. I get irrationally angry. I take many things personally. I isolate myself. I struggle with forgiveness. I’m very self-aware, but not enough sometimes. I’m sensitive AND stone cold. I’m humble in love but prideful in progression. I’m a walking oxymoron, so if I’ve submitted my heart’s truth to you it’s because I trust that God has placed you in my life. It takes so much for me to admit that I NEED companionship, and God is continuing to humble me. Today I had a friend tell me that I do too much sometimes and it’s pushing him away, but 3yrs ago I wasn’t doing ANYTHING. I didn’t know what it meant to express myself, let alone with confidence. I was locked up and full of emotion and anger. I was a ticking time bomb, so being able to honestly share my feelings and boldly ask for reciprocity is a milestone for me as a woman. I guess I’ve yet to find a perfect balance, but I’m not sure it exists. I’ve finally stopped blaming my circumstances for my lacking as a person, and that means that I’m left with no excuse. My desire is growth and freedom in self-love. I’m to the point where I can honestly say I don’t want to pursue that alone. I know that there will be people who walk out of my life, but I guess all I’m trying to say is that I’m thankful for the ones who see me, inspite my imperfections, as worth the fight. 
*Photo by Debra Cartwright*


Red Brick Wall

The game of running back and forth to your sin seems so easy to correct. We’re continuously told to run the other way, run to God, run AWAY. That’s not as easy as it seems. In no way am i justifying running back to it, this is just a little insight that helped me to understand the self infliction I provide when take part in “giving in”.

My toughest sin. the king of em all. the hard-body sin. You know, that one that always creeps back in. The one that takes the place of me finding my identity in Christ. I call him Anger. Now this isn’t your everyday road rage, fussin with my brother, need to take a nap kinda anger. This anger escalates into rage and rage transforms itself into this silence and cold-heartedness that I have yet to understand. If at any moment I feel it coming, I find myself acknowledging it more than fighting it off… that’s a mistake. The dictionary defines anger as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. I am capable of looking past all three of these emotions individually but it seems like when they collide I lose myself.

Now sin. Sin can be defined as anything that goes against God. Anything in opposition of who He is. Anything that pulls us away from His presence. John Piper ( ahh Piper ) answered best for me, he said,

“Sin is esteeming and valuing and honoring and enjoying man and his creations above God” Sin puts God on the “backburner” We have a keen understanding that there is nothing good about sin. SO why would I run to it. This is where the purpose of this blog comes in.

I compare my sin to a brick wall. It’s big, it’s tough, generally stable and can be used as a form of protection from trouble. I’ve noticed these are all things I didn’t have growing up. There was no guarantee it’d all be okay nor was there anything that seemed big or strong enough to give me comfort about days to come. Now this was all before I was saved.. boy do I know better. So this wall. It’s right in front of me.. my anger. At hands reach and I can run to it and feel the pain of it’s use. So I do just that. If I’m running into a brick wall I’m guaranteed to get hurt. As many times as i just run to it, there will be no different of an outcome,things will never get better. Actually they’ll only get worse, my pains will turn to bruises, the bruises will be punctured into wounds, and the wounds will only feel the pressure of the very same brick wall. I’ll grow weak, discouraged, and weary. My only option, if I stand any chance is to simply turn around. Now, there’s something special about the human body, the fact that it has the ability to heal itself. Now, say for a split second I turned away from the brick wall ( which can now be considered my sin : anger) my body will begin to heal. It knows what it is to not feel those feelings and it wants to go to that state of being. Luckily it gets better. I can run to God. Not only will He put me in a better state, He’ll heal my scars and replenish my soul. There’s comfort in knowing that I cannot completely fix myself, and neither can anyone else. To be honest, I wouldn’t know where to start.

All of this to say, He is there. He’s always been there and always will be. There’s no sense in looking for someone else to give you peace, or complete joy, or fix your faults because no one can unconditionally do so. I think about the perfection of our God and it makes me weak. I have decided to stop unnecessarily hitting that wall. To catch the sin and sprint to God, not just away from the sin though, but to His loving arms. In Hosea the people asked Him to GRACIOUSLY accept them, I’ll never forget that. They asked for grace and He willingly gives it to us undeserving, self-seeking, imperfect children of His, if nothing, that’s something to thank Him for everyday.

Okay you guys, I’m done. Apparently it’s 3:12 am
but these are some quick moments in our day when we aimlessly sin, it’s silly how often these occur in a day’s time.

“…The glory of God is not honored.
The holiness of God is not reverenced.
The greatness of God is not admired.
The power of God is not praised.
The truth of God is not sought.
The wisdom of God is not esteemed.
The beauty of God is not treasured.
The goodness of God is not savored.
The faithfulness of God is not trusted.
The promises of God are not relied upon.
The commandments of God are not obeyed.
The justice of God is not respected.
The wrath of God is not feared.
The grace of God is not cherished.
The presence of God is not prized.
The person of God is not loved…”

– John Piper