So I not too long ago got off. I was sittin in bed texting Josh and Gabrielle, then BOOM, I dozed off. I had a dream I was in a restaurant with a man, whose face I couldn’t see and he said,
“I want you to reassure me that you’ll never expect me to love you as much as God does, trust that i’ll try my best to do it the way He does & promise me that you will always run to Him FIRST…”
Then I cried.
I put my head down on the lil table and proceeded to just weep.
“truth and beauty
are one and the same,
life is the lust
of the lamp for the light,
and the ghosts don’t know
whether they’re dead
I’m a thinker. I find myself sitting in the room, in my car, or at the foot of the Cross creating scenarios in my head. I don’t find it strange, sometimes it’s simply an interference during my day. So, I’m sitting on the couch in the living room right now right? I find myself thinking about what I would say to Charles, my father, if I had the chance. Now, my introduction wasn’t much of an introduction so I guess y’all don’t know much about our relationship. Well, to make a long story short, there was none. He left when I was 5, called on my 10th and 12th birthdays, called the week before he died, and died when I was 14. Now, you may think it cold of me to be all cavalier-like when discussing the death of the man that took part in creating me, but like I said before, we had little to no communication.
So, back to my initial thought. I’m just thinking, if I was ever given the opportunity to say one thing to him, what would I say? Well, I’m 21years old. I’ve never had to love a man and I’m struggling to learn how. My God is my Father and I sometimes struggle with learning how to love Him as well. All this to say, the whole “daddy” thing is not really my FORTE. Well, the more I thought, the more I ran through my head, the more I struggled with what I would even say.
I think I’ve concluded that I’d thank him.
I’d thank him for his deciding to build a relationship with my younger sister instead of me. That pretty much has shown me that NO man can ever be trusted to ALWAYS choose me first, other than my God. No matter my situation, age, innocence, nothing. God is the only one I am absolutely sure has chosen and always will choose me.
I’d also thank him for leaving my moms to raise me on her own. She is now the spitting image of what it takes to become a God-fearing woman WITHOUT the leadership of an EARTHLY man. She had to learn on her own what it meant to devote herself to God. She had to understand that she is not the father in our family but is given the honor to let God take the leading role when raising up my brothers and myself. She was put in a situation where when provision was questionable, her faith had to be solid in the fact that our God was the provider. She had to see him as the head of the household and teach us to look to Him for guidance and understanding.
I think I may also thank him for calling me when he was sick. Not sarcastically, or out of spite, I’d whole heartedly thank that man. In those few minutes, laying at his bedside, watching him waste away, he showed me that no matter how wrong someone has ever done me, no matter how hard my heart will ever grow, no matter how abandoned, betrayed, deceived, or rejected one person has ever made me feel, that I am called to love them like my Father has loved me. I vividly remember that night. I see his face in my mind more than I’d like. I remember. Those memories simply remind me of how bad it can get, but it’ll never compare to the way I deny God with my sin and he continues to sit and my bedside, as I’m wasting away, losing myself, trying to tie loose ends, he still sits at my bedside and pours out His love to me in the most pure and satisfying way.
I’m not sure why Charles did the things he did. I’m not sure why he left. I’m not sure why he called. There are many questions I’ve wanted to ask him but now, while I sit on this couch, listening to John Legend, I’ve decided that all I’d want to do is thank him.
My God is more Father than he could have ever been and having to tell myself that when I struggle in any relationship is just another form of growth…i guess…
Matthew 23:9 says
“And call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father, who is in heaven.”
that verse brings me a ton of peace. I’m not sure when I’ll do a “biographyish” blog. I’m not really sure if i even want to. I just know I’m really thankful for my daddy and the way He loves me.
You would think that this would make me stop wearing heels eh? nahhh. They’re my pride and joy you guys.
This is not some misaligned attempt to frighten women into starting big bon fires all over the world with their heels. Heck, if that was the case, by writhing this piece I would be cutting my nose off to spite my face, because I’m one man who loves ladies in heels.
But I have to keep it real if my blog pieces are to have an iota of credibility.I have to write about joy and the pain, the sunshine and the rain if I’m privy to the information.
While women love their shoes, and God knows we love you in them,several studies around prolonged high heel wearing can possibly have unintended health consequences. Now keep in mind these consequences are mostly from an over indulgence in wearing them. So don’t swear off high heels altogether and convert to strictly “saved Grandma Church shoes” or sneakers. But do check out the…
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You’ve been hypnotized by the possibilities.
She only gives you one shot, blow it and she’s gone. You can’t rush her, or slow her down. Her name is time.
I ain’t got a answer.
Your eyes are never satisfied.
I focus on silliness.
Stop being concerned with the past her, or the future her, and love her, now. Her name is time.
Single men take notes.
Hopelessly charming, on his fourth marriage.
The same reason you are deathly afraid of your daughter becoming a teenager.
So shell shocked, you too stupid to duck when the bullets are flying at you.
He told me a love story.
Got me seeking repentance for my desire for vengeance.
Forgive me for asking.
You know Jesus didn’t really look like those paintings that was just Michael Angelo’s boyfriend.
Is there enough mercy for me?
Warm words, cold nights.
Only when you lose her do you learn to appreciate her. Her name is time.
Don’t know why I try to wrap my mind around you.
You eva been scared you had no idea what you been talkin about?
I’m 21 years old and I don’t think I’ll ever not want to run into her arms when I’ve had enough of the world and its crap.As long as I can remember, she has had the most trust in the woman I want to become and the measures I’ll go to get there. Growing up it was only us and my younger brothers, no father, no male example at all really, and I know she did the best she could do. Little does she know, her best was better than I could ask for. My moms believes in my faith in God and my faith encourages her faith which encouraged my family to stay faithful as well. She oozes joy and I think that’s something of hers I’ve desired all of my life. No matter the circumstances, the struggle, the pain and suffering, she puts on this smile that instantly melts my insides and makes my face light up. She’s been through all kinds of hell, I just know it but those downfalls have in no way determined the mother she is or the woman I see and fall more in love with everyday. She’s my rock. She’s my refuge in a lot of troubles. I’m still not sure of the way she raised us but we weren’t trapped in caged nor were we allowed to do anything. It was the perfect balance of I know you’ll make mistakes but I trust you can handle them. She hurts when I hurt and rejoices when I rejoice.
Lately I’ve been having a ton of people walking in and out of my life, but she promises it’s for a reason and that she’ll never leave me. I may sound like a child, but I had to grow up faster than the norm and sometimes, I just love to curl up in my mom’s lap and not think.