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"love without restrictions- trust without fear."
Initially, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell anyone about this, but I’m confident that was only fear in my heart. I’ll start from the beginning. For the past two years, I’ve been going back and forth with God about my singleness, unhealthy relationships, and seemingly unbearable desire for children. I vividly remember nights when I just punched walls and screamed at the top of my lungs at Him because I felt as though my desires were a mistake. More specifically, one that He promised He’d never make. That had a lot to do with my lack of trust in Him. Well, eventually, I stopped praying about it. I got to a point where I decided that if I was meant to be a mother, it’d happen in His time, and if not, He’d change the desires of my heart. I was exhausted and faithless. Needless to say, those desire have yet to subside, if anything, they’ve magnified.
About two months ago, I started having this recurring dream of me and an anonymous little boy just living life together. Some days we’d play outside, other nights I was telling him bedtime stories. More recently, we were curled up in a blanket and I was telling him the story of what it was like growing up with two brothers. I had this dream at least 4 times a week and it was all I thought about during the day. I despised God because of it. I considered it a “carrot dangling in front of a mule” and I wanted him to stop. Finally, I confessed it to my accountability group (this is a small group of women, including myself that meets up weekly and discus the burdens of our hearts) and I told them about the anger I had toward God. Chelsie told me that maybe, just maybe, it was God showing me a possibility, not the lack thereof. Well, she said a bit more but that was her main point. I let that sit for a while and really asked God for understanding. My heart was heavy, still is. The kids at my apartment started asking questions that I never thought they would. “Ms. Shakiyla, you don’t want kids?” “Ms. Shakiyla, you ever wish you had a baby” “Ms. Shakiyla, can we have some popsicles to take home?” Ya know, things like that. It hurt, y’all. Everytime they said it, it felt like a blow to the heart. Then today happened.
I’m student teaching, so generally I go to Barbe High at 8am and stay until about 3. I love those kids and they are teaching more about myself as a woman than I ever imagined possible in just a few months. This morning though, I had no desire to be there. I had a ton of homework and my apartment was filthy. I didn’t understand why, but I didn’t fight it. I texted Mrs. Vaughn, my cooperative teacher, and asked her if it’d be okay if I stayed home for the above reasons. She approved, and so I did. I cleaned the house, made lunches for the week, checked he mail for the first time all week, WASHED MY HAIR, and decided that I’d bring popsicles to the kids at the bus stop. Usually, I get home just in time to catch them walking through the parking lot, check their folders, and offer them treats from the candy bowl. Today was different though.
I went to the bus stop super early and just talked with some of the women there. Ms. Kim is her name. Ms. Kim started telling me how much she loved seeing those kids run in and out of my place because she sees my heart and it’s precious. She then started talking about her son. Her joy. Her gift from God. In the midst, she mentioned adoption. I asked her if he was, and her face lit up. She gave me a quick run down of the adoption process and the first thing she said was, “I didn’t have a buncha money and I didn’t have a buncha people to help, I didn’t have a husband, but I did have a powerful God that knew the desires of my heart.” The school bus pulled up. Her son got off and I got chills. As she walked off, she told me her apt number and told me to meet her there so we could talk.
I’ve had that number on my mirror since she moved in because a family friend recommended we met up. I was always too busy, but I think that was just God’s timing. I prayed for Ms. Kim a lot, never knowing what was happening in her life. Well, she was in the middle of a heart wrenching adoption process. We talked for almost 3 hours about her life, her struggles, my fears, and my flaws, and toward the end I couldn’t stop crying. She told me, and I quote, “I think you can’t stop crying because for the first time in years, you believe what it is your Daddy been tellin you.” I’m crying now, as I type it. I went a long time not understanding my heart and why I knew I needed to be there for a child. I currently have a lot of trouble in friendships because I don’t feel like they need me and it makes understanding my role unbelievably difficult. Today, for the first time, I believe God’s promise, and with everything in me, I’m trusting Him.
I write this blog because I need prayer. I need y’all to pray that God continues to mold me. I know I have insecurities, fears, and heart issues that need changing in order to raise up a child. I’m young, I know, but my God makes no mistakes. I need encouragement. I need guidance and support. I need to be pushed in ways I’ve never been pushed. I need God’s intervention along with His peoples’. I want you all to walk this journey with me, the highs and lows. Today I’m e-mailing Ms. Kim’s social worker and I’m already getting things going. I’m scared out of my mind and I don’t want to be. I want to be joyful and trusting in God’s provision. I know I have a long way to go, and I finally have faith enough to start. I’m not sure how long it’ll take, but I’m confident He’s din the midst. I will be keeping you updated and I hope that my family is supportive and encouraging in my obedience.
Organized Chaos. 
Well, Shakiyla Ayonna loves what you have become are becoming and I stand beside you in the midst of it all. You have accomplished big things in your life and you will continue with Gods help. I am here anytime you need me, my prayer is that you get your hearts desire. Love Ayonna
Hi, Shakiyla!
I don’t know if you remember me, but i was on the basketball team at MSU and came to 6:35 on Sunday. I want you to know that i read your blog post from top to bottom and truly sympathize with where you are in life.
I read your post Monday and wanted to reply, but i was afraid because i knew it would not be a popular reply. The Lord woke me up with your post on my mind, so I’m going to do what i should have done then.
Wanting to adopt a child is not a wrong desire to have, yet God’s divine order must always be considered. God has a plan for your waiting and His silence. (Believe me, i know the excruciating pain of trying to live for Him and then having to wait on Him. But His timing truly is best because Heprepares us for His great blessings in the mean time.)
I encourage you to trust God in this. I’m not saying that your dream was not God, but I want to remind you that satan can taunt us with realistic dreams of our most pressing desires to encourage us to move out of God’s Will. Make sure this decision is lined up with the Word of God because the fact that He said it or promised it is the reason we step out on faith. All of the faith hall of famers did this and were blessed by God (Hebrews 11). God may be testing you to see if you are going to wait on Him to fulfill your dreams or are you going to bypass Him to do it on your own. PLEASE make sure this is God and He is in front leading you! Let this not be something you are doing in order to do what you think He isn’t. We serve the only God who is able to do exceedingly above all we ask or think: how will He not move on our behalf in His own timing when we have been obedient to Him? Why would He not reward us for doing what He said? It is when we step out without Him that we receive His discipline.
I do not type any of this in judgment of you. I just know what it’s like to make a big decision then look back and realize it wasn’t God’s will. Then i had/have to live with the consequences.
I love you and just want to see you in the Will of God. That’s the best and safest place to be.
Adrienne, I hate that I’m having to reply here, I would love to have called or something! Of course I remember you, I admire you! I’m also thankful for your boldness. There were plenty of times that I’ve asked God to completely change my desires if they weren’t His. I don’t want you to think that my desires are an idol. I love the idea of being a mother, but I in no way want it more than to be in God’s will. I pray often about wanting to do what He delight in. I think some people are mistaken in thinking that this is what I want most, or the easier route. The hardest thing has been how it has fallen into place and glorified Him in doing so. I have so many insecurities and fears, but God has sent His people and given me strength by way of His word. The adoption isn’t finalized, but everything is going beautifully and I am ABSOLUTELY seeking first to satisfy my Father and not my desire to be a parent. I ask that you keep praying for me. Pray that I stay on the path I’m going. Pray that my desires don’t waiver if the process gets harder. When I tell you that EVERYTHING is falling into place in ways that I wouldn’t have dreamed of, I mean EVERYTHING. From my living condition, car, MY health, my job, just everything. I get chills when I think about it. All of this to say, thank you for your concern and even more so, your obedience. This is the first time in my life that I’ve had to truly trust God and Him alone. I have to say, it’s a type of peace I’ve missed out on for years. I’m grateful that we serve a God that relentlessly loves us. Thanks again. I’m about to update my followers on the process, and I hope you continue this walk with me. & I don’t want you to think that you’re the only person who checked up on me in this way. I’ve had others do it for more selfish reasons, but a few just making sure that I’m following His will and not my own. So again, thank you.
My heart goes out to you and our God never make mistakes. He would provide all your needs according to his riches in glory. You are brave in taking this path and my prayer is always with you.
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