Initially, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell anyone about this, but I’m confident that was only fear in my heart. I’ll start from the beginning. For the past two years, I’ve been going back and forth with God about my singleness, unhealthy relationships, and seemingly unbearable desire for children. I vividly remember nights when I just punched walls and screamed at the top of my lungs at Him because I felt as though my desires were a mistake. More specifically, one that He promised He’d never make. That had a lot to do with my lack of trust in Him. Well, eventually, I stopped praying about it. I got to a point where I decided that if I was meant to be a mother, it’d happen in His time, and if not, He’d change the desires of my heart. I was exhausted and faithless. Needless to say, those desire have yet to subside, if anything, they’ve magnified.
About two months ago, I started having this recurring dream of me and an anonymous little boy just living life together. Some days we’d play outside, other nights I was telling him bedtime stories. More recently, we were curled up in a blanket and I was telling him the story of what it was like growing up with two brothers. I had this dream at least 4 times a week and it was all I thought about during the day. I despised God because of it. I considered it a “carrot dangling in front of a mule” and I wanted him to stop. Finally, I confessed it to my accountability group (this is a small group of women, including myself that meets up weekly and discus the burdens of our hearts) and I told them about the anger I had toward God. Chelsie told me that maybe, just maybe, it was God showing me a possibility, not the lack thereof. Well, she said a bit more but that was her main point. I let that sit for a while and really asked God for understanding. My heart was heavy, still is. The kids at my apartment started asking questions that I never thought they would. “Ms. Shakiyla, you don’t want kids?” “Ms. Shakiyla, you ever wish you had a baby” “Ms. Shakiyla, can we have some popsicles to take home?” Ya know, things like that. It hurt, y’all. Everytime they said it, it felt like a blow to the heart. Then today happened.
I’m student teaching, so generally I go to Barbe High at 8am and stay until about 3. I love those kids and they are teaching more about myself as a woman than I ever imagined possible in just a few months. This morning though, I had no desire to be there. I had a ton of homework and my apartment was filthy. I didn’t understand why, but I didn’t fight it. I texted Mrs. Vaughn, my cooperative teacher, and asked her if it’d be okay if I stayed home for the above reasons. She approved, and so I did. I cleaned the house, made lunches for the week, checked he mail for the first time all week, WASHED MY HAIR, and decided that I’d bring popsicles to the kids at the bus stop. Usually, I get home just in time to catch them walking through the parking lot, check their folders, and offer them treats from the candy bowl. Today was different though.
I went to the bus stop super early and just talked with some of the women there. Ms. Kim is her name. Ms. Kim started telling me how much she loved seeing those kids run in and out of my place because she sees my heart and it’s precious. She then started talking about her son. Her joy. Her gift from God. In the midst, she mentioned adoption. I asked her if he was, and her face lit up. She gave me a quick run down of the adoption process and the first thing she said was, “I didn’t have a buncha money and I didn’t have a buncha people to help, I didn’t have a husband, but I did have a powerful God that knew the desires of my heart.” The school bus pulled up. Her son got off and I got chills. As she walked off, she told me her apt number and told me to meet her there so we could talk.
I’ve had that number on my mirror since she moved in because a family friend recommended we met up. I was always too busy, but I think that was just God’s timing. I prayed for Ms. Kim a lot, never knowing what was happening in her life. Well, she was in the middle of a heart wrenching adoption process. We talked for almost 3 hours about her life, her struggles, my fears, and my flaws, and toward the end I couldn’t stop crying. She told me, and I quote, “I think you can’t stop crying because for the first time in years, you believe what it is your Daddy been tellin you.” I’m crying now, as I type it. I went a long time not understanding my heart and why I knew I needed to be there for a child. I currently have a lot of trouble in friendships because I don’t feel like they need me and it makes understanding my role unbelievably difficult. Today, for the first time, I believe God’s promise, and with everything in me, I’m trusting Him.
I write this blog because I need prayer. I need y’all to pray that God continues to mold me. I know I have insecurities, fears, and heart issues that need changing in order to raise up a child. I’m young, I know, but my God makes no mistakes. I need encouragement. I need guidance and support. I need to be pushed in ways I’ve never been pushed. I need God’s intervention along with His peoples’. I want you all to walk this journey with me, the highs and lows. Today I’m e-mailing Ms. Kim’s social worker and I’m already getting things going. I’m scared out of my mind and I don’t want to be. I want to be joyful and trusting in God’s provision. I know I have a long way to go, and I finally have faith enough to start. I’m not sure how long it’ll take, but I’m confident He’s din the midst. I will be keeping you updated and I hope that my family is supportive and encouraging in my obedience.